Sunday, 21 April 2013

What is a "Fat Lard"?

This is my fat lard, Rutch.
She is not fat. But she is still a fat lard.
A fat lard is not fat unless they are already fat.
To be a fat lard you can be any size, shape, or colour.
If Rutch was green she would still be a fat lard.
If Rutch was obese, she would still be a fat lard.
If Rutch was a hexagon, she would still be a fat lard.
Now, I would like to specify that there can indeed be skinny lards..
But Rutch isn't one.
Oh my dear poor fat lardy Rutch.
"What is a fat lard?" you may ask.
Well, I will tell you.
A fat lard is a person who has no sense of what is socially acceptable.
They don't understand boundaries.
They WILL tell you ANYTHING they are thinking.
For example, my fat lard Rutch just texted me a story out of the blue:
"Yesterday I shaved my legs," she began with. "But it wasn't until I was going to bed when I noticed I only shaved one and a half legs."
To a fat lard, stories like these would never be thought of as weird or TMI. No way. In fact, to a lard, stories like these are news worthy.
Fat lards also make insanely loud munching noises while they eat.
They enjoy the company of cats.
They use their boobs as furniture and as a place to hide things.
They judge people sometimes.. those people judge them back.
There are many more characteristics of a fat lard, and to name them all would take an unknown amount of time. But I promise you that there are many characteristics of a fat lard, and that Rutch has them all.
If you believe that you have the characteristics of a fat lard, I am sorry. There is no known cure, and no funding for researchers to find one. Once you become a lard, you're a lard for life.

XOXO, Cleatle

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